I’m okay with my whiteness now…

July 29, 2008 at 10:03 am 4 comments

Towards the beginning of our relationship together, I was always very aware of my whiteness.  Anywhere we would go, I would be trying to figure out the Mexican to White People ratio inside my head.  It wasn’t long before he was taking me places where I was the only white person, which kind of made me feel as noticeable as a light bulb in a dark room. 

I was always sure the women were talking about me and my Gringa-ness.  Making fun of  me and my attempts at Spanish.  

But, after a while, I stopped caring.  I think it became a whole different story once I spoke fluent Spanish, and once I could communicate easily with those around me.  It got to the point where we would be out and about having fun, and I’d happen to look around and be like, “Whoa, I’m the only white one here!”.

And then, of course, the two months I spent in Mexico last year helped quite a bit.  The only other gueros I seen there were at the Guadalajara airport! 

Unfortunately, Jose doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the whole being comfortable being Mexican thing.  You’d think being in this country for 14 years the man would be over this by now. 

But he’s not.

Saturday, my good friend invited me to her graduation party.  Jose acted like I was inviting him to his own execution.  He told me to go without him.  He told me he didn’t feel good.  He told me he had a last minute errand to run. 

I finally told the man HE WAS GOING whether he liked it or not.

Yeah, we came and went before an hour was even up.  All the fancy schmancy lookin’ white people was too much for Jose to handle.  And all the people coming up, “Juan, how ‘ya doing!?” was making him a little uncomfortable.   (Juan is my friend’s boyfriend, who had left the party before we even showed up for similar reasons to Jose’s)

I think most of it is his lack of confidence in his English.  When he’s comfortable with someone, he speaks pretty good English.  I mean, yeah.  Heavily accented English with lots of mispronounciation, but you can understand the guy.  Get him around new people though, and its bad.  I mean, complete with stuttering and everything bad. 

We’ve come along way together.  I guess we just keep trucking along and working on it.  🙂

And, by the way, at the dance on Sunday, there were NO WHITE PEOPLE!!  Usually, there are at least 5-6 other gueras.  But nope!  Not a one the other night.  Wow…


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4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ~Jenn;0)  |  July 29, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    Girl…I know exactly how you feel!!!! I was the same way at the beginning thinking I stuck out in the crowd! And trying to get Hector to go anywhere that Hispanics are not the majority is, well, let’s just say I would have an easier time cuttin off his leg! LoL! I’m over it now, I just don’t care what people think of us….as for my Spanish, I try…really hard, I can speak enough to carry on a basic conversation, but not even close to being fluent! I’m learnin though!


  • 2. Lisa  |  July 30, 2008 at 5:05 am

    Whoa! Check out the new blog … pretty snazy 🙂

    Believe it or not, but the Mexican has never been afraid to be around whites or blacks. Of course I think we know more Mexicans compared to whites or blacks, but we tend to hang out with lots of different people often.

    My husband’s best friend happens to be a black guy that he works with … you’d be surprised just how much slang English the Mexican has learned from him.

    A friend of mine’s husband is Mexican and would rather be around white people; go figure.

    I don’t have a preference when it comes to color/nationality because I’ve been around long enough to know that bad people come in all shapes and sizes so I just like to be around people I can feel comfortable talking with regardless of the other stuff.

    Maybe you should really make it a point to get Jose out with a more diverse group of people … people that you know and think he may click with. It could help him.

    Don’t take him back to people who mistake him for Juan LOL.


  • 3. Susan  |  July 30, 2008 at 9:03 am

    I know that feeling. It is to the point I told Ro I am very nervous around gringos now. I have embraced our mexicano friends and are almost always the only gringa there but I love it. My friends see me as equals and I love them. I honestly love the culture, language and people so life is good when around them. Maybe I need to find more gringa friends. Time will tell I guess. I hope Jose will open up to your friends more. Maybe just tell him how great he does no matter what. Build his confidence remember men are like children they need every peice of love they can get.

  • 4. lizzi33  |  July 30, 2008 at 10:23 am

    Jenn – the hardest part for me while I was learning Spanish was getting comfortable trying to speak it. I had a job early on in our relationship as a bank teller in the Spanish speaking area of our town, and that helped me tons! The people were so glad to have someone trying to help them in Spanish that they always complimented me and thanked me. 🙂 Keep on trying and it will come soon enough! Thanks for commenting!!

    Lisa – That’s awesome about Juan being so comofortable about people. I wish Jose was more like that! I like the advice of taking him around people I think he woul click with!

    Susan – That never ocurred to me and I feel weird saying it, but I AM nervous when I’m around a large group white people. I just feel as if I’m the odd one out, you know what I mean?? LoL, thanks for the advice. I do kind of tease him when he speaks English, so that def. needs to stop! 🙂 I’m going to up the compliments and see if it helps!


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